Bollocky People and Wanky Noises

1am. Screaming and shouting gang walking slowly down the street outside. Been a noise for over 10 minutes.
"FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING CUNT WANKER WAAAAAAHHHH FUCK OI FUCKER FUCKING CUNT WANKER FUCKING FUCK FUCK WOAAAAOOAHHH OH OH OI FUCK"
Massive panic attack. Bastards. Checked pub across road from my window. Doors closed. Not them this time. God knows which pub they came from, there are four on my road. Constant noisy drunks outside. It's terrifying.

I've removed the thingy on here that links to my facebook account today, after Paul called me and gave me a right peg-off for mentioning I was having a tough time at the moment on there. I figured it was best to keep all talking away from there in future.

" Paul Lloyd

answer your cocking phne lol or gimme your house number lol

Clare Elizabeth Jones Cockin phone???? Oh I want one of them!!

Alison Louise Henry

Allo gorgeous. Sorry, I've been just making excuses to everyone lately for not answering my phone. Sure, sometimes I do forget to bring it down with me in the morning, or I leave it in a jacket, but most of the time I just don't answer because I can't face anyone. I really can't apologise enough, and it's totally nothing personal. I'm having a massively hard time at the moment, and despite the obvious benefits of having friends to speak to, all I want to do is shut myself away.
I promise I'll stop making excuses now, and answer in future xxx

Clare Elizabeth Jones Oh princess hope your ok? Here if you new# me. Xxxxxx

Alison Louise Henry I'll live... I'm just feeling a bit isolated and stagnant. "

When he called me, he said "What's the matter with you?" I went to answer him, glad of someone to speak to about it all. But he cut me off, and began a long rant about how nobody cares about my problems, I shouldn't post anything about having problems on Facebook, and then gave me a story about a friend of his who 'moaned' on facebook and he told him the same as he told me. Then he added that he didn't like that person anyway so he didn't care about him. I thought hmmm, thanks Paul. I've known you now for a decade and you're treating me as badly as someone you openly hate. I told my dad, and he said he hoped I'd told Paul to go fuck himself. I admitted I hadn't. I'd just wanted to burst into tears... I was hurt, not angry. "Nobody cares, Alison". What he clearly meant was that *he* doesn't care.

I spoke to another friend this evening who didn't do my already crapola self esteem any good.
This particular friend never says hello, but rather starts talking to me as though we are in mid-conversation. He never asks how I am or what I am up to; all he does is talk about his own problems constantly. Sometimes I think he doesn't even need me there, he may as well talk to a wall. Sometimes all I can do is drop in "I know how you feel" throughout the conversation in the hopes he might say "Blah, you having a crap time too?" But no. Nothing. It's as if I'm not even talking.

Mum's coming over to visit tomorrow, and I'm sure she's only doing it because of the comments (above) on Facebook. I'm looking forward to the company, but also dreading the prospect of her poking her nose into everything and tutting at anything messy she finds. I REALLY don't need any more ego knocks. If I get any lower I'll be under the floorboards.

In brighter news I started up knitting my blanket squares again and it's been a really relaxing way to calm down this evening. After I went for a walk with the dog and dad I had a panic attack that made my ears burn and my chest stab, and it lasted for a few hours after in the form of the shakes. I've been sitting here all evening just knitting, watching (well, listening to really) A History of Britain, and drinking tea.

Yesterday I stayed up late to hand wash some undies, bras and PJ bottoms, and I am reaping the rewards tonight - clean sleepy clothes!

I was expecting at the start of this blog to be going back to knitting until my panic attack calmed down - ah crap... bugger. I was just about to say that I felt fine now and would be taking my tired bumbum off to bed. But I just felt another wave of it. And it just goes to show how good my subconscious is - it heard noise outside before I did! Car doors and loud talking. Not too bad this time... I'm going to try to go to bed. I think I'll take my knitting upstairs in case I have to sit up in bed to relieve the chest pains again.

OOH! 01:23.

apocalypse.